I’m sitting at the coffeeshop just down the street with L. We pretty consistently meet on Monday nights to write. I have hard time being productive during this time. I use it for writing, but not necessarily for getting something written I could share with anyone. I suppose I should maybe fix my perception of what something that I can share needs to look like, because really it could take a number of different forms.

Today was Monday after the holiday weekend. It was tough being back at work. R was out so I had to do his job along with getting everything for mine done before the noon Monday cutoff. I had a hard time staying positive at work, but did end the day on a better note. I do want to quit and hope that I’m not working there for too much longer, but I also know the longer I stick around right now the better off I’ll be. I’ve scheduled surgery for mid Feb and will need to stay for at least a couple months after that. I’m excited I was able to get it figured out. Wow, big changes.

I also just signed up for another writing class that starts at the end of January. I figure I might as well take advantage of the time I’ve got left in Mpls to learn. Once I’m gone opportunities like that will be harder to find. I’m excited for the class. I assume it’ll be a lot of work, but hopefully there will be a lot of learning done too. In a perfect world I’ll also manage to get a bunch more writing done before the class starts. I know the more I have written the better off I’ll be. It’s going to get really stressful if I”m trying to get my own writing done in addition to workshopping other people’s pieces each week. I also know that I do better with accountable which is part of the reason I’m really glad I signed up for the class. Yay!

I’m leaving in a few minutes to get to yoga. I’ve been going to a class nearly every day and still really enjoy it. Tonight L is going to join me! I expect to see C and J over there as well.

No guys in my life, but I think the tide may be turning in that regard. At least I’m starting to feel more motivated to join a dating site and to start putting myself out there again. It’s time. I feel like my heart is opening and I’m at a place where I can be vulnerable to someone and allow them into my life in a way that could lead to heartbreak and heartache which is definitely a requisite to dating.

I can’t believe it’s been two months since I was last here. I continue to write a letter every night and journal every morning, but would like to update this with more regularity. Hmm.

Gratitude List:
Another class starting in a month
Surviving the day at work and having another short week
Getting over to yoga in a few minutes

It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything on here. I continue to write a lot – both morning pages and I’ve started writing a letter to myself every night. I’d love to make it here more often. 

I’m in NJ. I’m sitting in the backyard of M and M’s house.

It feels like it’s been so long since I lived here. It’s only been 4.5 months since I left, but it seems like a lifetime ago. I’ve had a really good time bumming around the city the last couple days and it was great to see M and M last night. We ate candy and played games with A. 

Though I miss being out here, I don’t think I’m headed back. I think I’ll live out here again at some point, but right now Mpls is a good place to be. I’ve got my writing classes, yoga, work. My life is really full in Mpls. Well aside from the dating I don’t seem to be doing. 

All the work I’ve been doing in Mpls is paying off. I feel so calm and centered a lot of the time. I’ve actually been happy which is such a strange change of pace. The yoga has definitely made a difference, as has the new therapist. There are still a few things to get worked out, but I feel like I’m closer to being back to my old self. Whatever that may be.

I’ll try to stop back in before another month and a half passes.

I almost forgot to mention – I’ve also been thinking more about Colombia and whether I should take off for a while. I know I’ll do it eventually, but maybe that eventually will be sooner rather than later.

Gratitude List:

M and M

Being back in NYC

Endings and new beginnings

I am here. Now. In Minneapolis. I am working. I feel like I’m in the eye of the storm. Everything is whizzing around me at lightning speed and yet I’m able to remain calm and a little detached, disconnected from it. I still don’t know what the future holds or where I’ll ultimately land. I’ve been so intensely focused on that these last few years and just spinning my wheels. I’m definitely closer and I’ve gained a clarity I didn’t have before. I have built some structure around the writing here which I really wasn’t able to do while gone, but I’m still reluctant to pursue that with all my heart. Although I seem to keep coming back to that desire to express myself, to make my experience here heard by other people, understood. Maybe it’s because I understand it so little and I feel the need to try to put words around it for myself. Whatever the reason, the desire is definitely there.

I’m so baffled, often, by how this world and our society is structured. I can’t even put words around it at this point, but it doesn’t make any sense to me. It’s totally senseless. I think that someday I will be able to put words around it. I sure hope so.

I know I need to write, but I also feel like I must do something with the injustice I have suffered. I have a hard time labeling myself a victim, but in many ways I was. I don’t want to continue being one, but I still don’t seem to be able to stand up for myself or anyone else.

How can sense be made from the senseless? How can meaning and purpose be found in tremendous loss? How can I live in this world and allow the injustice to continue without working to stop it or at least make my voice be heard? Will I ever find my voice? Does my voice have credit, weight? Was the experience I had one in a million, or is it much more common than we suspect? Will the healing I desire and need ever fully materialize? Can I sit with this pain and not be overwhelmed, swallowed up in its swelling tidal wave? Will I ever make it from lost to found? When will I have more than just questions? Will the answers ever arrive?

I don’t know what to do and I don’t know where I’m going. I know where I’ve been and I know where I don’t want to return, but whether I’ll ever find that fulfillment I need I do not know.

I try to trust, to believe that there was a reason for all of this and that there continues to be a reason for everything ahead. Those reasons my be unclear right now, but someday I might have a better understanding.

I’m tired and need to take a nap. I had to get up really early today to train on a new process. My goal is to make it to Zen tonight and then a yoga class. I’ve been doing lots and lots of yoga classes lately. I like yoga. I think it’s the reason I feel so calm in the midst of this storm.

Gratitude List:

Spiritual practice – yoga, Reiki, meditation, journaling

Getting to leave work early today

Being busy at work for a change

I don’t know what I want. Maybe I want to tear my life to the ground. To burn it all down and to make it hurt.

I’ve been meeting with a new therapist and talking about things that make me sad. I’m not sure this is good for me. We are doing some EMDR stuff, but I’m not sure mucking around in all this is a good idea. I also don’t think not doing it is a good idea. I’ve had a lot coming up since being back in Mpls and I don’t want to continue running.

Does a heart that wants to be healed find healing? Is that something this world provides?

Gratitude List:

Things to think about

A nice bike ride today

Sadness

I need someone to talk to. I’m feeling a lot of different things right now. I don’t know who I would call at this hour so I’ll have this out here, now.

I like Mpls. It’s nice to be here. I enjoy seeing family and friends. I like having an income. Yet, it’s so clear this is not the life I want right now. That’s hard. It’s unclear if I want to leave because running away is what I do (and do well) or if it’s because my heart is simply not in it. I know I can do it for a while, but that’s what this feels like. Doing it for a while.

I know I’m back here for a reason. I also don’t think I’ll be here for an extended period of time. I have a lot of resources here I can use to get myself on the firmest ground going forward. I’ve also developed a lot of connections in the short time I’ve been here – especially in regards to the writing. Our new writer’s group met this afternoon. I really like that group of people and it was fun to be around them outside of class. I also think it’ll be a great tool for keeping me focused and producing actual work on a regular basis. We talked about contests today and everyone is going to try to write something to submit for one that ends in September. I really think this is going to be a very positive group of people for me to be around for a while. That’s a major bright spot.

I struggle so much with having to be in a cubicle and do things throughout the week that I don’t enjoy. And the thing is, I’ve fought and fought hard to get my life back, but for some reason I still have a hard time allowing myself to get past the fear and pursue those things (like writing and art) that I’m most interested in pursuing. I don’t want to be afraid of doing that forever. I’d also really like to find a job I can tolerate more. If I had to guess, I’d say that any type of employment for me is going to be something I merely try to tolerate. What I need to do is start figuring out how to make money and be my own boss doing something that I both enjoy and love.

And then there are the men. I’m trying to meet some on this dating website. I’ve had several dates with one guy in the past week. He’s sweet, kind and I’m very comfortable around him, but it’s simply lacking the chemistry I want in a relationship. I do want a man in my life. Preferably the same one. But then there’s a part of me that just wants to have sex with random guys (like I did earlier tonight). I don’t think that part of me will go away, but it’s hard having these conflicting desires. I also don’t really like hooking up with random guys. A part of me does find it exciting, but another part of me, I like to think a larger part, is simply over it.

I hate how I feel about my body. I’m not comfortable with it and have spent the last week wondering if I’ve gained weight (which I most likely have). I want to feel comfortable in my body and happy with how I look.

I think I’m done. I’m off to bed. What a strange day. I’m glad it’s over, but so sad that tomorrow is Sunday and I have to be back at work on Monday. Ugh.

Gratitude List:

The guy who I met tonight

The writing group!

Wanting to change

I don’t know where my life is going. At times I’m ok with this, but at other times I feel like I should have a concrete plan or path in front of me. Instead, all I seem to have are things that I enjoy doing and wouldn’t mind pursuing. It’s time I look more closely at those things and come up with something tangible. I love art, writing and spirituality. I would love to blend the 3 of those things. Or focus on one for a while and then move on to the next. I have a lot of talent. I don’t always recognize that and I also realize that I would still have to work very, very hard to make a career in art or writing come to fruition. I like to think it wouldn’t feel like work doing something I love, but obviously there would be some major stressers involved in that. Near term goal: come up with a plan. Even if that plan is simply apply to writing schools, psychology programs and art programs. I need options. I won’t get options not doing anything. It’s time to immerse myself in something and go for it. It’s time to quit being so damn afraid of my life and living it. It’s time to soar.

I met a guy and I like him quite a bit. I’m trying not to let myself get carried away with it, but I have a feeling the floodgates are going to open pretty soon. Maybe not. So far it’s felt like we’ve both managed to play it cool and keep things under control. We hung out more or less all weekend last weekend. It was nice. I’m pretty sure I like him and not just the idea of him. We are going to see each other tomorrow and then again this coming weekend. We have also been texting each other a lot throughout the day. I’ve enjoyed it a lot.

I’ve not been getting to the gym or biking around nearly as much as I was. This week I’ve felt like I’ve gotten to be the size of a beluga whale. I don’t dwell on it or anything, but it’s there in the back of my mind. Next week I’m going to make a real effort to get to the gym. I could even use the elliptical machine excessively for a few weeks until I lose the weight I’ve decided I must have gained. It’s really mostly psychological, but the feeling is very real. Like very, very real. And I very much don’t like its realness. Ugh. I don’t know how much the prospect of having sex with a guy I like is playing into this feeling, but one of the things I like about him is that he’s not in perfect shape. He likes working out and is trying to get into better shape, but I know I wouldn’t be comfortable with someone who has a perfect body. Plus he’s really cute without it. I am nervous about the sex though. Like are we going to do that this weekend? I’m horny like always, but I worry that he’ll judge me as harshly as I judge myself.

I have not been sleeping well. I’ve been going to bed early enough to get 7 hours of sleep most nights, but I find myself waking up frequently and tossing and turning. I’d really like to be able to sleep throughout the night. I have an all day training tomorrow that might be pretty hellish. I’m hoping for the best.

Gratitude List:

J

Seeing my mother tonight

Having a shitload of food again

I

I have my last writing class tomorrow night. I’m bummed the class is ending, but I’m also excited to move on from memoir. It’s been taxing trying to figure out how to write about this deeply personal stuff. I think it’s been good and I imagine I’ll be back at it sooner or later, but I’d really like to be able to write some things that aren’t about me and my experience. I still want to take the short story class that is offered this fall. It doesn’t start for a month so I’ll have some time off in between classes which will also be nice.

I applied for the job in NJ. I was led to believe it’s more or less a done deal, but I found out when I talked to DE it’s really not. I’m glad I’m not just going to be handing this job. Partly because it takes the decision about whether I’m going back to NJ out of my hands. I like being in Minneapolis and still love that I have this apartment that’s all mine. I don’t think I will ultimately stay here for the rest of my life, but for now it’s a great place to be.

I met L and C to write tonight. It took us longer than we anticipated to get settled because the first place we went was too full so we moved to a different coffee shop. I really didn’t get much written at all, but we only ended up being there for around an hour. I’m supposed to show up at class tomorrow with something to read. I’m not sure I’ll have anything since I didn’t get to it tonight.  I’ve been staring at my computer trying to write something for the past 30 minutes. I’m tired and I want to go to bed. It’s possible I can get something written tomorrow at work. I do really want to go to bed right now.

I went to the gym quickly after work and did squats. I haven’t done squats in ages. My knees felt fine while I was doing them. Afterwards I biked around the lakes for an hour. There were hot shirtless runners everywhere. I stared. Some of them even stared back. Once I had been home for a little while after the bike ride my right knee started to hurt a lot. I think I twisted it a little after getting home. I biked to the coffee shop very slowly because it hurts when I just bend it. Normally it would only hurt when bent with weight on it. I hope it feels better tomorrow. I still plan to bike to work, but I have no intention of going to the gym afterwards.

I started using an online dating website on Friday. I had opened an account, but didn’t upload pictures until Friday. It’s been interesting. There are lots of guys looking for dates. I have been using the quick match thing and seem to be matching with a lot of guys. It’s a little overwhelming. I can only have so many conversations going on at once before it’s just too much. I’m going to stop using the quick match until I work through some of the conversations I’m currently having. I have a limited amount of time to go on dates and don’t want to be chatting with like 10 different guys. There are some really attractive ones though. And guys who seem pretty nice. I did block a guy already because I messaged him and then saw he had logged in, read the message but not messaged me back. I sent the message on Saturday and then decided I’d give it some time before blocking or hiding him. On Sunday I did it and right afterwards saw he had just visited my profile again. In all likelihood he didn’t have time to message me back on Saturday. I really need to chill out about stuff like that. I then tried to figure out how to unblock him which apparently can’t be done. At least I wasn’t able to figure out how. Since I couldn’t unblock him I decided to hide him too and just be done with it. I’ll be more careful in the future. There will certainly be guys not interested in me, but I also have to keep in mind there are a lot of guys who are. Like a lot of them. It’s tough being somewhat pretty when you think you’re the most repulsive guy at the party. Ugh, it’s time to let that go. Or at least some of it.

Ok, I think that covers just about everything lately. Except that I’ve been thinking so much more about going back to school. I think I should pursue some kind of program that will enable me to work in the mental health field. I have a feeling that’s coming to a resolution. I should maybe become a psychiatrist, but it would be so much schooling and training. It’s been on my mind lately though. We’ll see where I go with that line of thought. I imagine it’ll pass. Or not.

Gratitude List:

Drinking way less coffee today than I did yesterday.

Doing squats at the gym even though my knee hurts a lot now.

Finally making it to the noon yoga class.

I wish that decisions were easier. I found out the NJ job may be falling into place much sooner than I anticipated. I thought I would have a while to settle into Mpls and my new apartment, but now I’m not so sure. I’m still planning to sign the lease on my apartment tomorrow. If I don’t they’ll just keep my security deposit anyway. I figure I’m better off signing the lease and then only staying a month before finding someone else to take it over since everything is still so tentative. I’m hoping to connect with my potential new boss tomorrow and ask him a few questions about everything.

I do feel like a chump leaving this job I started 4 weeks ago so soon, but this week has been so hard. Yesterday I was basically done and found it really hard to stay positive. My emotions went negative and I lost control of them which wasn’t great fun. I was given another task that is even more boring than the one I was previously given. Ugh. I have realized I can’t do this kind of work long term, but the two days so far this week have made me really question if I can even do it short term. Today was better than yesterday, but still not very good. I’m going to sleep on it and find out more information tomorrow. There is a part of me that’s really excited to be living closer to NYC again. I love that city. Kind of.

I enjoyed my class tonight. It was nice to see Chris and I feel like I learned quite a bit. I do really want to pursue this writing craft. I want to learn more about it and get much better at constructing stories. I think it’s something I could do quite well at with some focus and attention. It’s definitely something I want to take some more classes on, either here or in NJ.

Gratitude List:

Getting to spend a good amount of time meditating today

Clarity, even if it’s truths and realizations I don’t actually want to own up to

Hump day is tomorrow!

I have my last day of work for the week tomorrow. I’m really glad that I have a few days off and I’m so excited to go up north. It’s going to be a great weekend! I love being there and being around my family. It’s been a couple years since I last made it. Yay!

I went to my class tonight and shared what I wrote last night. I think it turned out pretty well. I also got some good feedback – not necessarily feedback on how to make it better, but some good feedback in the sense that people enjoyed listening to my little story. I’m glad that I wrote it and I’m glad that I shared tonight. I am excited to continue writing and write more stories. I’m also excited to revisit this one and see where I can make adjustments to clean it up and make the whole thing tighter than it is right now. I was pretty happy with it last night and liked it before class, but when I reread it afterwards I felt it could be a lot better. I’m always happy to have room for improvement so it’s a good thing.

Yay! Tomorrow is my last day of work for the week and I get to go up north. Woohoo!

Gratitude List:

Sharing something I wrote

A really great writing class

Getting to see Nick afterwards

I’ve had a very nice, relaxing weekend. I saw Jim yesterday. We started talking about dating and why I’m incapable of doing that. He was probing a lot more than usual. It was uncomfortable. We the started talking about the past and my mental illness. I became overcome with emotion and had a really hard time expressing myself. I was just feeling so much at that moment. I did manage to tell him that “there is so much pain. And I can’t even touch it.”

I feel like this is a pretty true statement. I find myself connecting with this very deep sadness pretty often. Like I’ll be sitting at my desk and I’ll start crying. Or I’ll be biking and start crying. Or watching a movie and I’ll start crying. It just seems to be coming up lately. I don’t know if it’s like a ‘deal with me now’ type of thing and that’s why it’s happening. or if there’s a larger reason to it all. I know I have unresolved emotions surrounding my mental illness (and early to mid-twenties in general), but I don’t know how to work through them. I don’t think in the 6 years I’ve been seeing Jim he’s seen me exhibit that much emotion. It’s hard. He seems to think he can help me through it in some way. He put me down for appointments 3 weeks in a row. They don’t start for a few weeks, but I’ll be ok with that. I need to stop running. I can’t escape this pain by running. I can’t escape it through the use of food, drugs or alcohol. I need to own up to it, stare it down and send it on its way. I think it’s time I do that. If Jim can help me through this I’ll be extremely grateful. It’s been there for so long. Sometimes it manifests itself as a slow, low fever, while other times it’s all I can think of. It’s got me going sideways and I don’t want to go sideways anymore. I want to love and be loved. I want to live a full life and I want these things now. Or at least as quickly as they can be obtained. I feel ready for them. I feel like the time has come. I’ve paid my dues and it’s now time to lay all this shit down on the path I’m walking and leave it there, behind me.

I sat down and tried to write something today. I failed. I got a few sentences out, but I don’t know where I’m going with it. I have the beginning, but then I just stop. It ends and I can’t keep going. I want to finish the thought though. I think it’s important. I also need to have something written for class tomorrow. Laura and I are going to meet in the evening to write tomorrow. I’m going to try really hard to be better about actually getting something written. She did a good job of being productive last week. I didn’t. I will tomorrow though. It’ll be good.

I want to be happy. I reread the last post I wrote and it’s nowhere near how I feel right now. I feel like I’m doing pretty well at this point and generally content. I put in an application to move into my old building in Uptown. I’m really excited to be back in Uptown and to be a little more settled than I have been. It’ll be great to have my own place again too. That will definitely be awesome. I biked by the building a couple times yesterday and found myself really excited to be living there again. It’s going to be great!

I had a good weekend. I’m looking forward to a short week and then getting out of town for the weekend. It’ll be wonderful to be back up North again. I haven’t been there for a couple years. Yay!

Gratitude List:

The short week ahead

A really relaxing day today

Getting to watch an enjoyable movie with a super dreamy guy in it